rain..nostalgia..

It’s the look outside your window as you see the rain freely hitting the ground
 
It’s when you have an umbrella and someone asked to share it with you and you allow that to.
 
It’s when you have no umbrella and someone will lend you his handkerchief that even if it won’t give assurance that you’ll not get wet but just that point where he still offer you safety.
 
It’s the protection of a jacket that someone wears and instantly given to you just to make sure you’ll not get wet, even if the other was.
 
It’s every sip of coffee as you sit down, whether you’re with someone or you’re alone. the best part is still the warmth it brings to you.
 
It’s when you feel like going outside even if you’re not permitted to because you might catch cold…still you would find a way and run outside to feel every drop of it touching your skin, your body, your heart, your soul. and it felt so good.
 
It’s in front of a bowl of hot champorado or lugaw or soup, just to lessen the cold temperature and to fulfill the cravings the season has brought you.
 
It’s in the magic of warmth a comforter, pillow, or blanket can give to you as you fell asleep.
 
It’s a free flowing tears brought by past heartache.
 
It’s a tremendous feeling of unending hapiness of the cool wind it brings as you think of happy moments under the rain.
 
it may be seen as a beginning of a disaster…but then it’s a blessing.
 
It’s the heart-pounding effect it gives to see someone willing to get wet in the rain with you just for you to forgive him and never let go.
 

It’s the comfort of knowing someone will wrap his arms around you just to stop the shaking of your body due to this kind of weather. and instantly, his presence is truly a relief that no one could ever resist
 
 
It’s what triggers me to write this now and feel these things that makes it incomparable to any season. That though rain (and too much rain) might be uncomfortable to others…this is something where I can truly feel the embrace of freedom of unchanging emotions.
 
 
 
I love the rain…and the freedom it brings. =)

Writer’s note: written on May 1, 2012 5:43pm.
In line with this season, was able to reminisce the same emotion the rain brought to me three years ago. ^.^

The Chase

Why does it felt so strange? I still have two months to go and still no signs of finally getting there. Is there really to wait? Is there really something to look forward to? Why does it seemed like everything’s going to fall apart with no one to catch the smallest piece of my heart? Could it be me? Should I let go? Is there ever a chase? Should I stop hoping? I can’t even feel the excitement. Do I have to start digging for my grave…for the nth times? Just so that when the bomb explodes I know where I can gather the pieces and bury them all at once. Is it painful when it never occurred? Am I getting ready for it when I let go of what I hold? Is the pain excruciating? Will I still see the light? Will I smile after? To expect is to get hurt, so I won’t give an ounce on anything I ever hoped for. 

 

Or will I still wait? That there really is my ever after. That for being patient all this time, I will finally reap what I sowed. I will indulge myself to the perfect sunshine, the most beautiful sunrise that I can capture. And have the sweetest smile this knight in shining armor
could really admire. We will soon celebrate as we hold each other’s hands walking while the sun sets. And will enjoy the starry night sky being wrapped in the arms of the one I love. And then I could finally hear those words that will forever be kept in my heart. Oh, happiness.

 

Hope. Trust. Loyalty. Respect.

And the essence of giving up or waiting;

And choices and decisions.

And the stillness of love that will shine at the end of this long dark tunnel of uncertainties.

 

lumangpapel12

3Oct2014 8:47 am

Empty-handed

Some things are better said than done, but at this very moment, I’d rather not hear anything and be surprised of what life could give me. 

Things are meant to happen. It’s just that some have to happen first in your life than any other lives. It’s his/her time. We can’t do anything about it.  if I were in their shoes, maybe I could just say the same. But I don’t want you to be in mine. I know you wouldn’t want to hear any of that as your heart lurched in pain.

Acceptance is the key. You have to understand that if you are not doing well down here, their souls may not be at ease up there.  i didn’t mean to feel that way. But how can i ask myself to accept these facts. How that even i come out as someone strong enough,i still can’t.  Words sometimes can be healing and at the same time torturing.  

What will I do now? If I knew the answer, I would have loudly told people around me. Hey, I’m 30 years old. Old enough for these things. That these are really to happen. But did you also realise how short the bonding we have. i am just starting to appreciate, to show my love in return, to give them the good life i hope for them to experience before they — well– leave this earth.  but right after how many months that i pinned my first job, after a long battle with sickness and being able to enjoy the fruit of 15 years in school, as i start dreaming and step-by-step fulfilling those, my dad left me. leaving without a hint of coming back. fresh as it was like yesterday’s occurrence, i am terribly lost. all my dreams shattered. i am half dead. and will forever be this way. i’m a daddy’s princess. i’m his little mic. it’s been 6 years. and the pain just went on and on and on. it never stops.  no, it will never be.

I thought life, as it was fast paced, could really be helped with time  to erase that unbearable pain, the trauma, and the uncertainties, the fear of losing more and not be able to withstand the next storm. i have to pick up all the pieces, though i knew i am picking the ones that cannot be put together again. i have to begin anew but the pain is in itself painful. i tried to lead my life in another direction outside my solitude. i found a bit of life. it put some colors in my nearly black and white. i look for people. i searched for companions. i struggle to have someone as a father figure. Yeah, that’s when my mom rescued me from the brink of not getting the hope to live more.

My mom, we were oceans apart (now forever we are). But she managed to get near me. Her 80th birthday is the best ever. and the last. i had to make it a point that it will forever be remembered. the laughter, the pictures, the gestures, the love, all just for her to feel that i still have her. that we still have her and we wanted to make her stay for one more decade. Right on the point when i have to look for a greener pasture, she really gave her best to support me. She suffered from heart enlargement and pneumonia, but promised to keep herself alive for me. for us. she came back here in Manila to be with us. My heart would gladly support her in her every needs, her medications, her food, whatever she wanted, even if nothing’s left of me.

i felt her warmest hugs, her sweetest kisses, her iloveyoutoos. those were treasured. those will never be forgotten,. those were our closest encounter ever. for the last time, i have felt i have a mother. that i know i can never have another. It’s hard to think that you would rather trade everything just for her  to survive. I would rather not have enough sleep, or money to spare for myself, just for her to buy medication, just for the time left to be by her side. This is the saddest mother’s day and the most unforgettable birthday i have. To celebrate those in the hospital is really something no one wished, but it happened. i have nothing to do with it. i saw her struggled to be well. She wanted to go home and be able to celebrate my birthday at home. I wanted her badly to get well. I wanted her to live for just one more day.  

I believe there are things in life that you really cannot fathom. Lest, that you can’t even handle with your own will and might. I am for weeks now been lost and cannot be found. i’d rather not exist.,or breathe. 

I gave her a white rose, as always, on Mother’s day. And despite the pain of needles left and right, she managed to smile and hugged me as tight as she could. She is weak but wanted to sit down and have a chitchat with me. Even reminded me that in three days, i’ll be 30 and she demanded for a grandchildren. Hah! if i could bring back time, i would have married the first man i saw  just to grant her wish (kidding aside).  I went home late.  My 30th birthday is a combination of excruciating pain and numbness. i am completely disoriented. i wanted her home. she wanted to go home. i just wish things are all done. no more pain and no more tears. The world is not a wish-granting factory. and even if it’s my birthday, my only wish for her to be well was granted in a  different way — i have to lose her, let go of her hand for her to be painless, for her to rest well. Three days after my birthday, she left. Forever.

Looking back, i knew i have said my sorry’s, thank you’s and iloveyou’s…I knew i have showed them both how i loved them, cared for them. i knew that in my own little way, i am trying to be the best daughter they hoped that i would be. i knew that i have given my best for them to experience the good life bit by bit.  i knew that they knew that i am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and comfort just for them to live.

And now, i know my life is completely different.  God is beside me all this. I felt it. He never left.  I have uttered my highest praise and worship for him, not only at times of loss but in triumph and victory. I have prayed that He would let my dad live. He answered me in a different way. I did not question him, not even a bit. i knew there is a purpose. I have to reconcile with my mom, have to stand for myself and live on my own.

Then when this happened, I prayed for one more chance, and for another and for my birthday. And He has still a purpose for letting these things happen.  I still don’t know why but He just didn’t prolong the agony and hurt of my mom. And even though i’m grieving still,  His comfort is the best that i am experiencing every night as i cried myself to sleep. Every night that i can’t breathe and even if i can, i always lift up my pain to Him. 

Ever wonder how i managed to smile in front of people, how i can still work? Not because life must go on. But without God to help me recover step by step, what would my life be? This pain is not yet through. That i assure you. I am just thankful, i am surrounded by people who from day 1 that i have them as friends, i know forever they will be. They were placed beside me not just because they are my friends, but i know they are for keeps. And i know i can count on them.

I know this pain won’t last forever. And that even if i feel no more pain someday, i will still hold on to the memories that we shared as a family. 

I may have lose them in this earth, but my heart will forever keep them. For that, i am thankful. And I will try to be strong.

Poem of the Day XXVI (Name Poem XVII)

vantaran

A Poem for Mhea

Much loved is she who perseveres,

Holds firm and true to her faith.

Esteemed is she who seeks and hears

And believes the Word is her strength.

 

Dearest daughter and steadfast friend,

Epitome of fidelity.

Loyal will she stay to the end,

A constant disciple is she:

     Committed as a true Christian.

 

—– First composed on:  May 4, 2014

—– Completed on:  May 7, 2014

 

Courtesy of samaritanchristiancenter.org.

 

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:-(

andaya mo naman e..

Di mo ba alam kung gano ako kalungkot ngayon?..

..magkasama na kayo ni dadie,.pero baket di ko magawang maging masaya..

di ko na ulit alam panu magsimula..dalawang beses na akong namatay..dalawang beses na gusto kong ibalik ang kamay ng orasan..dalawang beses na pero di ko pa rin gusto magpaalam..

The Perfect Crime

…

The Perfect Crime

What is more rewarding than seeing that special person’s smile on that one special moment that is just so ordinary for him.  It is worth it.

It was planned, but not that I expected it to be that big.  It took me less than two weeks to finalize the things, actually there were last minute (literally) preppies that I didn’t expect would come out so easily. At first, it’s a tough thing to do for I know that time, distance and budget constraints were really part of it…but with love and determination, what could it not reach? 🙂

I believe that the timing is just right, and having the right kind of people whom i got by my side added to it. Having the right kind of friends who even beyond health condition and heavy emotional baggage would still do the favor for me is really something. And i just don’t know how to thank them enough for being so supportive — Timmy and Ellen. I love them from the moment i met them and be with them and somehow part of their love for me was once again proven for what they just did.  I owed them big time.

Really planning for a surprise is never that easy, especially if it’s intended to someone with whom you cannot hiding anything.  But this time, he’s clueless.  Unlike the past year, he had the idea of his birthday but this one was really different.

Imagine the courage I have just to get through all of those for someone who wasn’t used to getting surprises in his entire life. I am breaking the rule for him.  Honestly, my head ached, and my heart lurched. I did not know what to do.  Days passed by so quickly that I am literally running out of time. I have no means of making this easy. But when it’s really the right time, it will turn out perfectly.

First part is the Ultimate Card.  I looked for people.  I thought of the contents of the card, who will write in it. It seemed so easy but no, not really. The contents of the card were not that planned at all. But was able to finally finish its content. Even the messages i put there was such a rush but came out well.. I’ve got the dilemma of how it will be signed by the people closest to our hearts because my two accomplices were having schedule conflicts and all i can do is to hope and cross-finger that it will eventually be signed by them.  And they did.

Next is the cake. At first i preferred it to be something special, not the common cakes that we can see.  But after some research, special cakes are a bit expensive.  The next day I thought of trying 30 pieces of homemade cupcakes with designs of his face or of cats. I have contacted two of my good friends who could bake it for me, willing to even teach me and do some for me but they suggested to buy the usual cake instead — theirs are pricey too, really.  So I looked for 2 bakeshops that would deliver but only one of them could possible do it.  One of my good friends from Cabuyao suggested that they would buy it for me, just asked me the instructions and the message in the cake. The one who bought the cake haven’t slept yet and is unwell but really did it for me. She went and bought and followed what i had said and it turned out well and perfect.

And then the day came. Good thing that it’s Australian day and we have nothing to do. I can really think things over and talk to them while it’s idle.

The card was given.  People were noisy on their bay/post because of the card, more so when two of our bosses, who seemed to be my accomplices, Boss Jing and Boss April presented the cake and the noise became cheers and greetings.  The plan for that morning was successful.

i just can’t contain my happiness that I wanted to shout upon knowing how he reacted to that surprise.  I may not be able to witness the moment, but my heart jumps right here upon knowing it’s a success.  It’s bliss. 🙂

He had called it “an organised crime”.  So, then it’s a “crime”.

It didn’t end there, though. The surprise moved on as I hired another accomplice to do the job for me. It must not be as hard as I thought knowing that that person is no other than the closest man in his life — his brother.  I texted his brother the night before, asking him favors. I had him prepared balloons and party hats. The day of the crime, the whole morning until the execution, we did communicate.  It almost didn’t happen.  It was that morning that the “Victim” had to leave early from the office when his VTO was approved, it was 11:00 am. My accomplice and I were talking over and told him that his kuya is going home now. By 2:00 pm, Randy (his brother) texted me that he will be home by 4:00 pm. After hours of waiting, he then texted me that he was on his way and was able to buy party hats and balloons. I was relieved. But then the “Victim” was already home, yet surprised upon seeing that Randy had bought him the things we needed. It was a kiddie party for a 30-year-old boy.

Flashback: Two days before the “Crime”, I was talking to another person closest to him as well – one of his best friends. It would be much better if the other best friend was here, but since he’s overseas, I planned on contacting him through Skype.  But then that seemed impossble.  Good thing that I was able to speak to one of his best friend, Kuya John, my last accomplice. We planned on the food we have to cook, of what we have to prepare. Those two days and until the day itself, we were talking and texting until we have decided that he will cook for him. And the setup was just in my end.

So that day, I went to Alabang to firstly meet his bestfriend, securing things were okay.  We will pretend that we don’t know anything until i gave him the go signal that it’s time to “invite” the “victim” to come over his house.. I left Kuya John’s house and went to the “victim’s” house where surprises awaits. I saw his brother outside and told me that his kuya had no idea that I’ll be coming but had a bit of a hint that I will. So we bought another 5 balloons and two party hats for me and Randy and off we go. I covered myself with the balloons and when he opened the door, was surprised by my presence.

Little did he know that before that actually occurred, here in the office I was a bit frustrated for not inviting me to celebrate with him. It’s a secret, though.

He gave me a 30-second hug. And words of gratitude. That was the best 30-second hug yet I have received from him, and the happiest.

He thought that that was the end of it.

So I texted Kuya John and asked him to call the “victim” for us to proceed with the finale. I acted that I didn’t know anything.  So when we went to Kuya John’s house, at first I let him talk with his bestfriend, then Kuya John called me to then move on with the celebration. He cooked pasta and we have cake for him too. We invited some K1x boys. To his surprise, that it was also part of the celebration thing. He then teases me, smiling at me and spanking me with his bandana. He was surprised all the same. Even told me that I have a lot of explaining to do, really a lot. I just replied with a smile. So then we ate and laugh and took pictures.

Then the finale was a gift I bought weeks before his birthday. I didn’t really think I could buy that. But during the time that we were at that mall, I said to myself that I will give him something. So when I got the chance, i bought it for him. Somehow, it reminded him that “Time, just like love, is important to me.”

****

The cost of loving someone isn’t really something that I would put into figures, nor can be calculated nor can be price tagged. The cost of loving someone is beyond any amount..it is given without asking for a change. The cost of loving someone is no cost at all. It is priceless. It is precious. It is willing to give more when not asked. It is giving without expecting.

So on 27 January 2014, under the bright full moon of that cold night, I have done the Perfect Crime I will never regret.  No bail needed.  I would love to be imprisoned to that 30-year-old heart of a willing victim by the name of Dubai Fornillos-Dol — and I am Guilty.

.

Isolation

Hurt and incomplete
Felt the air so cold and crisp
The moment of solitude
Is everywhere, it is somehow misunderstood

Midnight blue sky
Inviting, invigorating
Yet left the good things
To hide under the sheets

It is painful, especially heartbreaking
Seeing them in such a happy state
Hearing them singing the sweetest melody I’ve ever heard
It is harsh, it is great, it is melancholic, it is dead.

With great endurance still pain was felt
There is no turning back to the crest
The lights and the sounds are gone and the laughter now unheard
In this four-cornered room the shadow is forever held

pagpapalit at pagbabago…

 ….

dingdingdingding!

tumutunog na ang batingaw. akala ko ay kung anu lamang malakas na dagundong mula sa di kalayuan.

alas-kwatro y media pa lang ng madaling-araw pero maririnig mo na ang mga kaluskos ng mga taong paroon sa dakong malawak. tanghali na iyon. marahil dapat ay alas-tres pa lang gumayak na para di na abutan agad ng haring palaging sumisikat.

huling umaga ng misa de gallo. ramdam na agad ang papalapit na pagpapalit ng taon. marami sa ilan ay napapailing na lang. madami kasing delubyo ang dumaan. mga natural na pangyayare, may isinisilang, may namamatay. may karahasan, may mga kasong di nasosolusyunan. at may mga di mawari pang pangyayaring ayaw nang balikan.

pero sa mga oras na eto, tumigil na ang pagtunog ng batingaw. nais ko na uling bumulusok sa higaan para ituloy ang naunsyaming pagtulog. sabay ng pagpalahaw ng isang masiglang awitin ng pamasko. mula sa kapitbahay na di mo malaman kung sadyang masaya sa araw na eto o nais lang makasagupa muli ung huling taong humabol ng taga sa kanya. hmmm..pasko. isang linggo na lang magpapalit na ang taon. ano na nga ba ang inabot ng buhay ko sa nagdaang taon? marami. ano kaya ang masisilayan ko sa paparating na taon? mas madami.

karaniwan nang tanawin un mga nagtitinda ng lusis sa kalsada.. mula sa kinamulatan kong watusi hanggang sa naglalakihang Yolanda at Napoles na mga firecrackers, ang Bagong Taong pinoy ay klasiko pa din sa aking paningin. samu’t saring pagbabawal man ang gawin ng mga lokal na pamahalaan naten, pag nasipitan lang ng kakaunting orange o pula o byolet na papel, ayos na, tuloy ang ligaya! di naman na nga kasi mawawala pa ang paputok sa buhay ng mga tao. mula noon at sa mga susunod pang henerasyon, laging meron at meron mapuputulan ng daliri, paa, braso at iba pang parte ng katawan (take your pick!) o maging buhay pa (kala kasi buy 1-take 1 ang life) ayan tuloy, kumikita ng husto un mga taga-gawa (mga hindi lehitimong taga-gawa lalo) habang madaming pamilyang umiiyak  sa pagsalubong sa bagong taon…tsk! isang sinturon ni hudas pa nga jan!

minsan nais nating tumigil ang oras pag papalapit na ang pasko at bagong taon. yun iba nagmamadali nang magpalit ang taon kasi madaming plano para sa taong paparating. pero ako, nais kong hilahin pabalik un taon at dahan-dahanin lang ang pag-usad nito.  nung nauso nga ung mga instant-instant na bagay, aba pati buhay instant na din. instant noodles, instant baby, instagram, hahaha…mas madali nga naman…kasi lahat halos isang click na lang anjan na sa harapan (pwede bang pati bf? ahahaha). pero nakakatakot ang mga bagay na nadadaan sa madalian. karaniwan nang instant din ang paglisan. mas masarap yung pinaghihirapan, pinagtyatyagaan hanggang makamtan, hinihintay kahit tinitignan ka na ng mundo na naghihintay sa wala. mas gusto ko pa rin talaga yung pansit, yung baby pagkatapos ikasal, yung picture na hinayaan mong madevelop kasi may backup pa kung sakali man mawala yun hard copy. kahit sa bf ayoko nang nagkabunggo lang, kayo na. pwede bang mga nagbungguang puso na lang muna? 🙂

sa pagpapalit ng taong 2013 to 2014, hindi lang naman yun selebrasyon ang inaabangan ng lahat. kagaya ko. eto yun parte ng taon (huli at una) na talagang matutulala ako, habang kinakain ko un paborito kong tsokoleyt cake at red wine, nakatunghay lang sa papawirin na may iba’t ibang fireworks display. (sosyal; mtv lang ang peg!) di nga, ganun talaga peg ko ng yearend bago ako makikihalubilo sa mga tao sa labas at sasalo sa media noche at walang katapusang family picture 😦 — kulang kasi kami ng isa…

back to you. eto yung panahon na pinagbubulay-bulayan ko ang mga nangyari ng 364 days at may pagkakataon na matatawa ako, maiiyak, magiging seryoso.. mapapaisip muli. kasi sabi ko, naging mabuti ba akong tao sa loob ng 364 days? o kaya 364 din kaya na tao ang nasaktan ko? or may napangiti man lang ba ako? may nagawa man lang ba ako para sa ibang tao? tapos kakastiguhin ko un sarili ko sa mga mumunti at malalaking pagkakamaling naisip, nasabi at nagawa…at gagawan ng paraan na hindi man mawala ng tuluyan pero mabawasan para sa taong darating.  sa lahat din ng araw sa buong isang taon, bukod as birthday ko (minsan nga di pa) eto ang pinakamdramang araw, un 31st 11:59 to 1st 12:01. haha. ewan ko ba. siguro kasi literal na past na ang 2013 pag tuntong ng kamay ng orasan ng 12:01 2014 na!, at ibig sabihin isang mabilis na ulit na paglalakbay patungo sa taong dosmil-katorse ang matutunghayan sa buhay ko.

pero sa puntong iyan, hindi talaga maaalis na malapit na din ang pagtuntong ko sa ika-tatlong dekada ng buhay ko sa mundo. at yun ang inaabangan ko ng may kaba at saya. magkahalo. nakakatakot. parang paputok lang. parang regalong bubuksan…parang click lang ng camerang may film. parang post lang sa FB na di mo naman pinapansin.

gabi na.

liwanag na lang ng parol ang nakabukas.

di na pasko bukas.

ihanda na ang mga lusis, torotot at mga pampaingay.

salubungin ang bagong taon ng may bagong buhay.

Pasko. At Pakiramdam

…at some point hinahanap ko ang  brasuhan sa trabaho. ung tipong di ka na magkandaugaga sa ginagawa. i want a bit of pain. i want some heavy things in my shoulders. for the longest time, i have endured all those. And God has been very good to me all this time for letting me out of those burdens…pero masokista talaga ako. i live by “no pain no gain” attitude. mas masarap kasi yung gain pag ramdam mong pinaghirapan mo. but i’m not saying that it’s heaven here in MS. nasanay lang talaga kasi ako na the heavier the load, the better.

 

in this season of Christmas, the more na ramdam ko how i wanted the company of my former colleagues. but the people here in MS mababait talaga at professional.  haha. i’m not giving you reasons to raise your eyebrows but the difference is, here i’m more relaxed.  hinahanap-hanap ko lang talaga yun  dami ng tao na kahit haggard na gawa ng panget na sistema eh all smiles pa din.

 

sa kawalan ng ginagawa sa araw na ito (bakasyon na kasi ng mga solicitors namen) napasulat tuloy ako.

 

ang saya din nung kahit gaano kaliit un sweldo, nakakabili ka ng regalo para sa mga kasama mo sa trabaho, sa mga kaibigan mo, pamilya at sandamukal na mga inaanak. haha. ang pinagkaiba, lumaki nga ang sweldo pero lumaki din ang expenses. whew! the mere reason why i still love living in rural areas kasi di maluho mga tao. haha. kahit naman noon pa, i’m not used to extravagant living. dinadaan ko na lang sa pagkain. tapos kung kelan napalapit ako sa mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko noon hanggang ngayon, parang lalo naman ako nawalan ng sigla. haha. ewan ko ba. hinahanap ko lang din siguro un comfort na hindi stressful ung environment.  i may say na hindi stressful ang workplace ko (one thing I am thankful for) pero dun sa pinanggalingan ko, we truly formed a bond na may tawanan, iyakan, seryosong bagay, at tawanan ulit. haha. simpleng fishball lang at samalamig dun, keri na. dito, kada ikot mo gastos. kada lingon mo, gastos. haha. kung pwede ko lang dalhin sa laguna ang MS…para almost perfect na ang sistema. 🙂

 

i have loved the life of being a simple lady in laguna. kahit na may mga pagkakataon na hinahanap-hanap ko ang ingay ng kalsada at ang ilaw ng manila, mas love ko pa din ang peaceful surrounding at friendly neighborhood sa tinirhan kong lugar ng 1 taon mahigit. inakala ko kasi na sa pagbabalik ko sa manila, matatagpuan ko ulit ang sarili ko sa mga taong mahabang panahon ko din nakasama.  i guess wala talaga sa tagal yan. kasi ung mga taong saglit ko lang nakadaupang-palad sa probinsiyang siyudad eh mas sinasalamin yung brighter side ko. 😉 dito kasi, bilang ko lang talaga sa daliri ko un mga taong kilala ako kahit walang pera, un hindi nageexpect ng extravagance saken, nevertheless mahal pa din ako. nakakatawang isipin. gusto ko pa din yun mga simpleng taong nakilala ko sa laguna. mga hindi judgmental kahit kakikilala pa lang saken. ung mga totoong tao na hindi ka dadaanin sa mga discreet conversation at titirahin ka ng pailalim.

 

haay.. senti na naman ang pasko. at wala pa akong nabibiling matinong regalo. kung pwede lang na isang matamis na pagbati na lang. pero gift-giving nga diba. i might actually have wrapped myself up and try ko lang kung may tatanggap. aahahaha.

 

lekat! yan ang hirap ng walang ginagawa. sabog-sabog na sa ideya, makapagsulat lang talaga. pero one thing i am sure of…i am grateful for the chance of knowing and experiencing both sides., of being grace under fire and being a chillax babe..somehow nalalaman ko din kung what’s missing and what i’ve been holding, what i’m letting off my life and what i’m trying to live with.

 

pasko na. may regalo ka na ba. ako wala pa. tara. magbalot na tayo. gaya ng dati. nung uso pa ang kendi na isasabit sa christmas tree.

 

 

 

saya lang. non-sense. nuff said.

life as we complicate it…

I don’t believe that when things go wrong, it is this world or this life that is being harsh as we experience pain and cruelty. It dawned to me (and I think always) that we are the culprit of our own sufferings. For the bad decisions we made. For the things we don’t consult to people who are most knowledgeable and most experienced than us. Sometimes, it does not hurt if we are to ask, if we are to accept some facts about handling life, if we are to go seek for advice. When things go wrong, we may be unfair with life giving all the blame to it when all it can do is for us to discover how beautiful life is just as simple as living it.

 

We are being masochist. We try to do things that we know from the start would hurt us yet we pursue those things. When we decide things out of the right ones, we tend to ignore the consequences and then when it hit us right through, we couldn’t back out. We cry, we suffer, but we do not stop from there. We accompany that with words like “experience is the best teacher” but what if we don’t have to experience it but learn from people who have been through that kind of situation? We want to test the water. And we end up drowning ourselves to the darkest part of pain. We want to learn as we bruised, as we were wounded. We endured scars, we wanted to have marks shown all over us for us to qualify as the most experienced person on earth when in fact we don’t need to…

 

Living this life with the most numbers of pain does not guarantee us a noble prize award nor a plaque of appreciation. Sometimes, some people who showed their cruelty to others, tend to equal our pain with criticisms that would make or break us as a person. More so, we slipped by their words and then we fall apart. Then we have bandages all over ourselves.

 

After a while, as years passed by, we became numb; not giving the slightest trust to people who genuinely cares for us. We ignore the good things and still dwell from past hurts. We live by the mistakes we did, in a negative way. We show the world how hurt we are that we don’t appreciate the goodness beyond every dark past. We acknowledged the truth of hurtful feelings and not moving forward. Then we all blame life and then we doubt its offer of hope for us.

 

I am not new to this phase. I am for the longest time have been blaming the negativity life is bringing me, then after years of contemplating why things happened, pointed at myself for being the foremost responsible of complicating my life. I fell, I stood up. Then fell and stood up again. It became a circular motion, without ending, as if enjoying this circus. But the more it made me hurt, the more I became stronger. I’m in denial. I showed the world I’m strong enough to face trials, but end up weaker, crying in that same corner. I realized I needed someone. I realized I needed the One who will understand. I realized that in every painful decisions I made that hurt me so badly, all I need is to forgive myself first for committing these cruelties and forgiving the people who I allowed to take over me.

 

It is then my responsibility to take things to a different level. As I forgive, I move forward. It is hard to do. No one says life will be easy. But it is in our hands to make it possible. While to some it may be true that we learn from our own mistakes; to me, I understand that we do not have to make to learn. Hard-headed we may be but this is true: We don’t have to go the painful process. We ought to make our own path and not follow their footprints. We were allowed for many times in our life to make mistakes but we also can do something to lessen it, if we cannot avoid it.

 

Life’s simplicity is not far from reality when we allow it to. It is not easy nor hard. It depends on how we deal with it. When we complicate things and we do it whole-heartedly, we reap it. We have choices. We can decide. We are to make things happen.

 

It is in our hands, by the way.