Some things are better said than done, but at this very moment, I’d rather not hear anything and be surprised of what life could give me.
Things are meant to happen. It’s just that some have to happen first in your life than any other lives. It’s his/her time. We can’t do anything about it. if I were in their shoes, maybe I could just say the same. But I don’t want you to be in mine. I know you wouldn’t want to hear any of that as your heart lurched in pain.
Acceptance is the key. You have to understand that if you are not doing well down here, their souls may not be at ease up there. i didn’t mean to feel that way. But how can i ask myself to accept these facts. How that even i come out as someone strong enough,i still can’t. Words sometimes can be healing and at the same time torturing.
What will I do now? If I knew the answer, I would have loudly told people around me. Hey, I’m 30 years old. Old enough for these things. That these are really to happen. But did you also realise how short the bonding we have. i am just starting to appreciate, to show my love in return, to give them the good life i hope for them to experience before they — well– leave this earth. but right after how many months that i pinned my first job, after a long battle with sickness and being able to enjoy the fruit of 15 years in school, as i start dreaming and step-by-step fulfilling those, my dad left me. leaving without a hint of coming back. fresh as it was like yesterday’s occurrence, i am terribly lost. all my dreams shattered. i am half dead. and will forever be this way. i’m a daddy’s princess. i’m his little mic. it’s been 6 years. and the pain just went on and on and on. it never stops. no, it will never be.
I thought life, as it was fast paced, could really be helped with time to erase that unbearable pain, the trauma, and the uncertainties, the fear of losing more and not be able to withstand the next storm. i have to pick up all the pieces, though i knew i am picking the ones that cannot be put together again. i have to begin anew but the pain is in itself painful. i tried to lead my life in another direction outside my solitude. i found a bit of life. it put some colors in my nearly black and white. i look for people. i searched for companions. i struggle to have someone as a father figure. Yeah, that’s when my mom rescued me from the brink of not getting the hope to live more.
My mom, we were oceans apart (now forever we are). But she managed to get near me. Her 80th birthday is the best ever. and the last. i had to make it a point that it will forever be remembered. the laughter, the pictures, the gestures, the love, all just for her to feel that i still have her. that we still have her and we wanted to make her stay for one more decade. Right on the point when i have to look for a greener pasture, she really gave her best to support me. She suffered from heart enlargement and pneumonia, but promised to keep herself alive for me. for us. she came back here in Manila to be with us. My heart would gladly support her in her every needs, her medications, her food, whatever she wanted, even if nothing’s left of me.
i felt her warmest hugs, her sweetest kisses, her iloveyoutoos. those were treasured. those will never be forgotten,. those were our closest encounter ever. for the last time, i have felt i have a mother. that i know i can never have another. It’s hard to think that you would rather trade everything just for her to survive. I would rather not have enough sleep, or money to spare for myself, just for her to buy medication, just for the time left to be by her side. This is the saddest mother’s day and the most unforgettable birthday i have. To celebrate those in the hospital is really something no one wished, but it happened. i have nothing to do with it. i saw her struggled to be well. She wanted to go home and be able to celebrate my birthday at home. I wanted her badly to get well. I wanted her to live for just one more day.
I believe there are things in life that you really cannot fathom. Lest, that you can’t even handle with your own will and might. I am for weeks now been lost and cannot be found. i’d rather not exist.,or breathe.
I gave her a white rose, as always, on Mother’s day. And despite the pain of needles left and right, she managed to smile and hugged me as tight as she could. She is weak but wanted to sit down and have a chitchat with me. Even reminded me that in three days, i’ll be 30 and she demanded for a grandchildren. Hah! if i could bring back time, i would have married the first man i saw just to grant her wish (kidding aside). I went home late. My 30th birthday is a combination of excruciating pain and numbness. i am completely disoriented. i wanted her home. she wanted to go home. i just wish things are all done. no more pain and no more tears. The world is not a wish-granting factory. and even if it’s my birthday, my only wish for her to be well was granted in a different way — i have to lose her, let go of her hand for her to be painless, for her to rest well. Three days after my birthday, she left. Forever.
Looking back, i knew i have said my sorry’s, thank you’s and iloveyou’s…I knew i have showed them both how i loved them, cared for them. i knew that in my own little way, i am trying to be the best daughter they hoped that i would be. i knew that i have given my best for them to experience the good life bit by bit. i knew that they knew that i am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and comfort just for them to live.
And now, i know my life is completely different. God is beside me all this. I felt it. He never left. I have uttered my highest praise and worship for him, not only at times of loss but in triumph and victory. I have prayed that He would let my dad live. He answered me in a different way. I did not question him, not even a bit. i knew there is a purpose. I have to reconcile with my mom, have to stand for myself and live on my own.
Then when this happened, I prayed for one more chance, and for another and for my birthday. And He has still a purpose for letting these things happen. I still don’t know why but He just didn’t prolong the agony and hurt of my mom. And even though i’m grieving still, His comfort is the best that i am experiencing every night as i cried myself to sleep. Every night that i can’t breathe and even if i can, i always lift up my pain to Him.
Ever wonder how i managed to smile in front of people, how i can still work? Not because life must go on. But without God to help me recover step by step, what would my life be? This pain is not yet through. That i assure you. I am just thankful, i am surrounded by people who from day 1 that i have them as friends, i know forever they will be. They were placed beside me not just because they are my friends, but i know they are for keeps. And i know i can count on them.
I know this pain won’t last forever. And that even if i feel no more pain someday, i will still hold on to the memories that we shared as a family.
I may have lose them in this earth, but my heart will forever keep them. For that, i am thankful. And I will try to be strong.