simula.

After a year or  more — if my recollection serves me right — ngayon na lang ulit ako nakapagpost sa blog ko. namiss ko din pala ang maglagay nang kahit ano na bigla na lang dumarating sa isip ko. Kagaya ngayon, ika-anim na araw na agad ng buwan ng Enero, Dos Mil Dose…pero ano na nga ba ang nangyare.

Let me backtrack.

I spent New Year’s Eve away from home. I was with our associate pastor’s, Mami G.’s, family in Lipa and was able to celebrate a different New Year because it’s a whole clan I am with. =) Sarap ng handa. Simple at kahit madami kami, sapat ang food…sobra pa pala. I love the spaghetti, espesyal. tapos may tamales pa. Also enjoyed the Pinoy Henyo and other games after eating. Kulit nila. Sarap nila panuorin. Di nawala ang videoke. At dahil malamig, ginawa ko ang lahat just to keep me warm — dinaan ko sa kanta. ayun. haha. Then balik kami that first day of the year sa Manila for the Night Sunday Service. It’s really nice to see each other. Pamilya talaga.

Kinabukasan, wala pa din kami pasok.

Oh, by the way, one week akong forced leave due to low volume of files. Resulting sa pagkaubos naman ng leave namen. Strategy.

So yun nga, wala kaming pasok sa ikalawang araw ng Enero. Derecho naman ako ng Bulacan, dun sa lugar ng aming Head Pastor. Pito kami lahat sa van.  Sobrang kulit namen, actually hanggang pag-uwi. Na-enjoy ko naman dun yung kapreskuhan ng lugar. Peaceful and really relaxing while sitting under the tree. Best part dun un foodtrip. native na manok. astig. nakakamiss. yun balut at kape pa. magandang kombinasyon pala sila. Then time na para umuwi dahil may pasok na kinabukasan ang lahat. Pero napaka-worthwhile talaga nung bakasyon na yun. Simple yet memorable.

Maraming panggulo. Hindi palaging masaya ang bawat pagtitipon na pinuntahan ko o sinamahan ko sa mga araw na iyon. Isang nilalang na hindi matahimik sa kanyang katauhan ang palaging naka-amba para guluhin yung mundong pilit kong nilalagyan ng kulay. Pansamantala ko ngang iniwan ang Maynila para hindi stressful ang pagpasok ng aking taon, but he’s not stopping. Everybody then ignored him for his non-sense rant and all. Aga-aga stressful. haha. Bad vibes away. Lovelovelove, happyhappyhappy. Tatag nito. At di na isang tulad niya ang makakapagpatumba sa akin. Buti na lang at siya’y nanahimik.

Pagpasok sa trabaho. Write a 2,000-word formal essay. Title: The Next Six Months. Aguy. Whatta….

Pero wala pa din naman akong magawa. Naka-1,800 lang ata ako at di pa natapos. Pare, wala kasi talagang lumalabas sa isip ko. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve done a formal essay. Besides, di ako gumagawa ng may title na agad, topic pwede pa. Ganun kasi istilo ko…body muna bago title. Kaso nahirapan pa din ako dahil time constraint. Kaya nasira na yun pinangangalagaan ko, hay, kung anu-ano na lang nailagay ko dun…as if I’ve written pure non-sense. Di ko kasi maipaliwanag. Di ko kasi nararamdaman na kailangan ko magsulat.  Hirap pa nito nabaon na sa limot lahat. Bihira na rin ako magbasa ng libro o makapagsulat man lang. Kaya ang resulta: Struggle.

Tapos sa ika-apat na araw, essay ulit. At dahil may natira ako na more than 200 words pa para sa kahapon na article, kailangan ko pang bunuin ulit yun. Pinaglaanan ko man ng oras at nakapagpahinga man ako prior, di pa rin pumasok sa isip ko yun mga tamang salita dapat lumabas. Formal writing nga…napakwento ata ako. Another essay. This time, 1,000 words naman. Title: How can you change people’s first impression. Naku ayun na. magandang title sana kaso masyado broad. ayun patay na naman ako. eto talaga bingo na sa pagiging non-sense. Lagpas man sa quota, wala naman wenta.

Hays. Ni ayoko na ipakita ang anino ko sa lahat. pakiramdam ko kasi hindi na ako yun ganun na palasulat, yun madaming lumalabas sa isip na mga salita, mga ideya. Time passed, pati ako napaglipasan ng panahon. Nakakalungkot lang isipin na ganun na pala yun epekto sakin ng limang taon ko sa trabaho. I don’t even know how to write. No wonder, I can’t even produce great transcripts. Change oil.

Kahapon. Di ako pumasok…ay mali! Di ako nakapasok. Same reasons, wala pa din kaming files. ah okay, kaya ng two days in a row kami gumawa ng kamoteng articles. Late info. Maaga kong pinagpahinga ang sarili ko. Na-drain kasi yun utak ko. Di kinaya sa sobrang piga. Tapos almost 12 midnight na nagsend ng text. Nabasa ko kinabukasan na na 7am pala ang pasok. Takte. Strategy. Eh quarter to 7 ako nagising, Wala nagawa. Leave. Tagumpay sila sa strategy na wag magpapasok ng tao. Bawas na naman sa inaasahan kong conversion eto. Wala akong ginawang iba kundi mag-fb.  At ngayon nga, gumagawa ako ng basura sa blog ko…makapagsulat lang.

Ay, ika-anim na araw na pala. May sense naman ang bawat araw na lumilipas saken. Di naman nasasayang kasi masaya naman ako sa mga ginagawa ko. Pero di ko lang makita yung sense ng ibang tao sa paligid ko. Yaan na sila. Di sila sagabal at di ko sila alintana. Mahalaga saken malaya kong nagagawa ang mga eto. gaya nito.

Mamaya pala, papasok na ako. 7am ulit. pero ni ang matulog di ko pa magawa, gumising ng maaga pa kaya?

Nangyare? Madami. At para saken, okay na din ako, kasama ng mga taong kadikit ng utak at puso ko. nevermind na lang sa bad vibes and evil forces. i care not.

Fallen

It was a very heartwarming afternoon over coffee and bread with homemade peanut butter. An inviting lady made it all possible – or should I say, I invited myself just to spend a couple hours.  Felt at home and relaxed, I asked for a cup of coffee for the second time. The taste caught my attention that I cannot let it go. Well, there’s still next time, right, Carms? Yeah. I invade an officemate’s abode, needed someone to talk to that time. It was almost dark when we decided to stay by the veranda. Their simple yet elegant haven is on the third floor. I can say that the rent is really worth it. I would like to find one also as soon as possible. God help me.

So, we were in the veranda. Talking about anything under the roof, got to open some of myself to her, also the events that had happened at the workplace, the abrupt changes, the harsh treatment.  Then it drizzled. As if the heavens have felt the sentiments I kept for years. It stopped for a while. The stories were long that we didn’t even realize that we’ve stayed there for almost two hours. Then her sister came. We talked a little more before I bade goodbye.

But before that, my Samsung Corby fell from the third floor of the apartment and it landed on the concrete flooring. It slipped from my hand.  Didn’t panic. I even asked Carms in a very relaxed tone “nabasag kaya?” we headed down to recover my phone and only the casing and battery separated from the phone but externally and internally (performance-wise still the same) it was still okay. Really, no need to panic. It remained strong despite the fall. It didn’t break despite the concrete ground where it landed. Strong and firm. Carms told me, I was like my phone. That thing made me realize one thing: I can stand strong and firm still even if I’m bumping in a strong wall, in a concrete flooring. When will it end — my battle?

I then bade goodbye to catch the next bus in EDSA that will take me in my temp abode. A breather.

 

 

Still_soul

011212 – 0119

Manhid

Habang sinusulat ko ang akdang ito, ako ay nakaupo sa isang sulok ng kwartong kinalalagyan ko ngayon, patay na ang ilaw at tulog na ang paligid. Tahimik na, nagpapahinga na ang gabi. At ako, nakikinig sa ITunes ng mga musikang baka sakali ay makapagdulot sa akin ng lakas para magpatuloy sa aking sinimulang gawin.

Dumadaloy ang luha ko at di ko eto mapigil.

Naging napakalamig ng mga nakalipas na buwan.Madaming nangyare. Madaming nawala. Na hindi na maaari pang bumalik. Madaming pagbabago. Napaglipasan na ng panahon. At ako, nandito pa din. Hindi pa bumibitiw.

Tinawag akong martir ng isang katrabaho. I was just being honest that I don’t feel like leaving the company, that I’m still having my hopes with me. Sabi pa ng isa, wala ka nang maasahan jan, umalis ka na. Pag-asa na lang ang natitira sa akin, sana wag nyo nang patayin pa. My hopes are still alive that one of these days, volume of files will come up resulting to getting my colleagues back to where they were supposed to be as of the moment, rather than going back to a place they eventually left behind.

DI ko mapigilan ang pagpatak ng luha kanina habang kausap ko ang aking Boc. Di ko maiwasang mapahagulgol sa mga oras na iyon kahit ang tanging paraan ng pag-uusap namin ay telepono. Malayo siya pero naaabot niya ang puso ko. Sa gitna ng park na iyon sa isang mall sa isang siyudad, di ko alintana ang pabugso-bugsong dating at alis ng mga tao. Di ko iniisip na maaaring madami ang makarinig sa akin, makakita sa pagbuhos ng aking emosyon. Yun lang kasi ang lugar na malapit na alam ko na pwede akong maging ganun ka-weak dahil sa nangyare. At least walang nakakakilala sa akin as lugar na iyon kaya deadma na lang ako.

Then another person I was able to talk with lent his ear to listen and his heart to understand. I was in distress. Sabi niya nga hindi coincidence na nakausap ko siya, na tinawagan ko siya. The timing was perfect that if hindi ko siya kinausap at available siya, malulungkot siya. I am grateful for his time spent with me. Na-appreciate ko talaga yung effort at time na ni-allot niya para lang iyakan ko siya. First time to do this, opening up to a newly-found friend at one point in my life that I’m down…grateful that he was there at my worst. Sa kabila ng pagbuhos ng aking emosyon, he patiently waited for it to subside. It worked. Napa-kalma niya ako. Sometimes it takes a few minutes of laughter for me to really get back on track. Salamat kasi nagawa mo iyon sa akin sa napakasimpleng paraan – nakinig ka kasi at nakaunawa.

Namanhid yung pagkatao ko after bumangga sa akin yung katotohanang ito: The company where I spent five long years of my life, the job that I’ve loved and have given all of me, and the people whom I treasured very dearly even for a short period of time that we’re together – ay mawawala na sa akin at sa sistema ko. Ang hirap ipaliwanag yung pakiramdam kasi no one will be able to understand how deeply hurt I am for this unfair event in this particular phase of my life. Yeah, people come and go, eventually all will be in a career path na talagang para sa kanila. Di ko lang mapigil ang emosyon ko kasi napaka-harsh ng ganitong trato, napaka-abrupt ng ganitong pagbabago.

Patuloy lang sa pagdaloy ang luha ko. Di talaga mapigil.

Na-trauma na ako. Palagi na lang akong iniiwan. At lahat ng nawawala sa buhay ko, hindi  nagpapa-alam ng maayos sa akin.

 

It takes time for the wounds to heal. People whom I trusted betrayed my trust. People whom I’ve waited but never came back. People whom I have loved but are now out of my sight.

 

Kung pwede lang maglahong parang bula, mawala lang ako sa paningin ng lahat. Kung maaari lang na maging hangin na lang na dadaan lang at di na babalik pa.

 

Nasasaktan ako. Ang sakit-sakit na.

Wala na akong maramdaman bigla.

 

Still_soul (writer in distress)

011012 – 0041

You

I’ve dreamed  of you last night. Di naman kita iniisip.

It didn’t seem clear to me, the first part. What retained and is still clear to me were these parts:

> We were sitting and there’s food in front of us. A formal gathering or something is happening at that moment.

> After a few minutes and a few conversations, something triggered you to give me the necklace that you’re wearing, actually, you stood up and placed it in my neck. I was puzzled.

> Another scene was when a group of friends with camera wanted to take our pictures. They wanted us to get closer. But instead of having our face facing the camera, you faced me and only an inch or two is our distance. Cameras flashed around us. And the feeling was unexplainable.

Then I woke up. I don’t know the meaning of that. Nakakagulat, yet may kurot sa akin.

Ayokong malaman mo. Baka bigla kang lumayo. Baka bigla kang maging panaginip na lang.

samu’t saring sulat

pinipiga ang utak ko.

eto ang unang araw ko sa trabaho para sa taong dos mil dose. kagagaling ko lang sa isang “relaxing” at matakaw na bakasyon sa iba’t ibang lugar sa Luzon, at sa pagbabalik ko sa opisinang eto, heto at isang madugong bagay ang ipinapagawa sa amin.

“2000-word essay, formal writing” na may titulong “The Next Six Months”. sa unang tingin ay madali. oo nga naman. pero kung aalamin mo ang paggawa ng isang “formal essay,” ang 2000 salita ay mukhang imposibleng ma-”achieve”. heto ako ngayon, imbes na magsulat at patuloy na dugtungan ang mahigit 400 salita pa lamang ay mas pinaguukulan ng panahon ang mailabas muna ang nararamdaman.

habang nakikinig ako ng musikang ubod ng lakas upang di marinig ang usapan ng ibang kasamahan at makapag-focus sa aking binubuo sa wikang Ingles, ay pinapagana at ini-exercise ko muna ang aking isipan upang kusang lumabas ang mga salitang pupuno at bubuo sa paputul-putol kong pagsusulat.

nakakatuwang malaman na marami na ang malapit nang makabuo ng kanilang “piece” habang ako’y malapit pa lang lumagpas sa isang pahina ang nagagawa. wag ka, blangkong papel lang yan kanina. nilapitan ko lamang ang isang kasama kanina, nakipagpalitan ng kuro-kuro, isang manunulat din sa kanyang sariling istilo, at nakauunawa ng aking nasasaloob.

ayan, gumagana na muli ang aking utak. may mga naiisip na naman ako. tatlo’t kalahating oras na pala ang lumipas. at tahimik na muli ang lahat. ang konsentrasyon nila ay nasa kanilang ginagawa. mainam. ngayon, ako naman…kasabay pa rin ng isang madamdamin awitin at tipa ng “keyboard” ng aking kompyuter.

- still_soul

**********

frustration ng isang nagsusulat ang hindi mai-save ang kanyang ginawa…lalo na pag kompyuter o modern technology ang gamit. hay. nakakapanghinayang lang. sabi ko nga sa isang kasama, di na maibabalik yun pakiramdam habang ginagawa mo yun…worst, di mo na maalala pa yung eksakto mong sinabi nang mga oras na iyon. di ko naihanda sa isang papel kapartner ng bolpen ang mga kataga para hindi tuluyang nawala. tsk.

wala akong ibang masabi kundi buntong-hininga. kunot-noo na naman ba ako? hay. buti na lang people around me made my day simula pa lang ng umaga kaya kahit may pinanghinayangan, okay na din. i will only lose a few seconds spent in non-sense feelings kapag ipinagpatuloy ang “sayang” moment kaya smile na lang. =) it will brighten one’s day pa.

still_soul

**********

kung kelan naman may file na…saka naman unti-unti pumipikit ang mata. hay

kanina kahit pilitin kong itulog ang antok…sa takot na mahuli ay di na lang mapakali. hay

saglit lang ang file. anim na minuto lang pero tignan naten ang magagawa. hinihipan ng hangin ang talukap ng mata ko. unti-unting bumibigat. ayan na…pipikit na…

alas-dose pa lang pala. di pa oras ng siyesta. hay.

still_soul

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i miss you

ambilis ng pag-ikot ng kamay ng orasan.

pati pagtibok ng puso kong nananahimik ng ilang buwan, bumibilis din.

sumaglit ka naman. hinahanap ka niya.

serbiy lang

napagkatuwaan ko lang magsasasagot ng survey…hehe…eto ang website nya

http://www.blogthings.com/topics/?topic=girls%20only

ayun na-hook na ako agad..as in sumasakto naman talaga sa personality ko un result ng mga sinasagutan ko..hehehe…at eto nga…

>>What Your Handbag Says About You

You tend to be on high alert. You are very aware of your surroundings. You are a low maintenance person. You can adapt to a variety of situations. You are open and comfortable with who you are. You don’t hide anything. Your motto is: “Be prepared.” You don’t like to be surprised by anything. You are an outgoing and expressive person. You always speak your mind, and you’re very approachable. You are a very unique and special person. There’s no one else who is anything like you.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Does Your World Revolve Around Your Guy?

>>Your Life Revolves Around Yourself

There’s no chance that you’re going to let your guy control you. You’ve got your own thing going on – and he’s lucky to be a part of it. And even though he might pressure you to consider his feelings a little more… He’s secretly into how independent you really are.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Who Wears the Pants… You or Your Guy?

>>Both of You Wear the Pants

You and your guy seem to have stuck the perfect power balance. It’s not that you don’t disagree – it’s just that you’ve learned how to compromise well. You’re both mature enough to know that you can’t always get your way… And usually, you’re both adult enough to reach an agreement – even if that sometimes means giving in a little.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

What Kind of Ex-Girlfriend Are You?

>>You Are a Friendly Ex

While the guys you’ve dated haven’t been perfect, you’ve kept most as friends In fact, one or two of your exes may be your best friends – after all, they know you best And though your mature attitude is awesome, make sure nothing gets too weird Or else you could lose these friendships, simply because your exes’ new women think you’re *too* friendly

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Are You Truth or Dare?

>>You Are Dare

You are outrageous, adventurous, and wild. You live to have fun. You are all about taking risks and pushing limits. You love the rush of doing something forbidden. Like most daring people, you are highly intelligent and creative. That’s why you get bored so easily. You need a lot of stimulation and novelty in your life. You aren’t satisfied with the mundane.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

gone

minsan isang umaga, narealize ko na wala ka na sa sistema ko. pinagod mo ang pusong handang makinig sa’yo. sinamantala ang pagkakataon na may nagbibigay ng atensyon sa’yo. at ang masaklap sa lahat. naisip mong buhatin ang sarili mong upuan, tumangkad ka lang.

 

you’re gone.  di mo iningatan yun tiwala at friendship na hindi ko naman kusang ini-offer sa’yo.

wag ka nang babalik.

no tResPasSeRs aLLowed!!!

He’s back…so what??!

seven years in the making. three years after i said “stop. the waiting’s over. there’s no turning back.”  i’ve lingered on it for over three years now, asking myself questions that has an answer already. he is the guy  i’ve loved, the first one in the opposite sex that i’ve saved the biggest space in my heart before. i’ve waited for four years, seemed to be enough, but nothing happens. it’s a sad truth to know that TIME is wasted, yet not even a single regret on my part that i’ve given him that kind of love and attention. when i’m truly in love, i do the very utmost thing I can do for my loveone just to reach him, and yes, i did. but this ended as a one-way love affair.

three years had passed after i gave him up and i’m in a new relationship. it didn’t work well, the problem: he has no time for me. he is a busy man and he forgot that he’s committed to me. and then we broke up…now, he wanted me back but i can’t. it lasted for only three months,,,imagine that’s my first relationship ever and it just didn’t take long.

i’m in the process of moving on. several months later, i’m in a new love. perhaps what makes it easier to move on after my first relationship is that the idea of love is not that strong..or the feeling i should say. but still i’m not regretting that it didn’t turn out well…

a new love came in. now, i’m sure of it. i’ve been through another ups and downs in this relationship and sadly, it ended up. But what’s the good thing in our relationship is that we remained friends and that even more made us strong as an individual. Some told me it was a tough thing to deal with, but it just happened. one day i noticed that nothing has changed between us. there’s still this chemistry, incomparable. we’re inseparable..or should i say, he’s the one who didn’t want to miss a second without me by his side.

in short, we’re back in each others arms.  we’re nearing two years as lovers, 5 years of friendship. he’s back in my system or i’m back in his arms. i’ve fought the fight and he’s mine. i’m pissed off with the problems i’ve encountered, history repeats itself, but i’m way too stronger unlike before. anyone (such as FLIRTS and nonsense pips) who will block my way will have to ready themselves, they would definitely hate me for what i can do to protect my heart.

amon’s back..so what? i’m in the arms of someone whom, for now, i will love and spend my present life with.